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Hacker Mom

August 24, 2009

Hey. I am Claire’s mother. No, really, I am Claire’s mother. Claire asked me to occasionally hack into her blog while she’s away, water the plants and generally make sure everything’s O.K.

Claire, as you know, is on a cruise to Alaska. And we’re not. You and I are presently here in a relatively cramped blog while Claire, J.D. and James are enjoying all you can eat buffets, spectacular scenery, free movies and a lounge featuring Coldplay (Alaskan Cruises only). And we are not enjoying all that. If that’s not a good reason for free-floating resentment, I don’t know what is. So, go ahead. Allow those little “dang!” pangs to become full-fledged jealousy jungles. You’ll feel better after. I know. I’m a mother.

As I was saying, Claire asked me to hack in every once in a while because, as you may have heard, there have been a rash of blog break-ins lately. We really shouldn’t be all that surprised. I mean, when your own mother can hack into your blog, you’ve got to know that the suburban blog has security issues. It took me no time at all to figure out Claire’s password, which, by the way, is “ihavenoideahowtopronouncefjord.” That was my third guess after I tried “cruise2009nyahnyah” and “idon’thavetocookforaweekandyoudo”.

Considering how easy it was for me to get in here, I thought perhaps I should post a few tips on blog security for all of you, especially if you are thinking of being absent from your blog for any extended period of time. Like ON A CRUISE OR SOMETHING.

1. Do not keep valuables in your blog. Text is O.K. because, last I heard, hackers have not found ways to easily sell stolen blog text. There isn’t a big market out there for used blog text and no one has yet discovered how to use blog text for money laundering. So, you probably don’t need to move your posts to your mother’s basement while you’re gone. But for goodness sake, don’t leave things like a cell phone or a CRUISE ITINERARY lying around your blog in plain view. That’s just asking for a hack-in. Another thing to avoid is leaving half eaten snacks where hackers can see them. Hackers are notorious for being unable to resist hacking in for a snack. “Snack Hackers” they’re called.
2. In the winter, get a good friend or your mother, NEITHER OF WHOM ARE ON A CRUISE, to keep the access to your blog free of snow. Piles of unshoveled snow drifting right up to your username and password is a sure sign to hackers that you are away. Today I will have to do a bit of shoveling. It’s only August, but this is a Whitehorse blog.
3. I have heard you should keep a light on in your blog. This supposedly says to hackers, “This blogger is at home. Hacking not advisable.” I have my doubts about this, however. If I kept passing by a blog and every time I passed I noticed that there was always the same light on and the rest of the blog was always completely dark, my first thought would NOT be, “Oh, look. A light. The same light that’s been on for the last 17 days, 24 hours a day. That blogger sure is at home. I will not hack that blogger.” Hackers by definition are not that stupid. What I would suggest is that you leave all your lights on. Sure, your electrical bill will be astronomical if you plan on going away for several months, but I guarantee you will be hack free. In fact, I think I will turn on all of Claire’s lights right now. She can afford it. SHE’S ON A CRUISE, ISN’T SHE??

Hey, everyone. Let’s show Claire we aren’t bitter. Why don’t you post a comment about how happy you are that she is on a cruise – AND YOU AREN’T.

Note to Claire: At the bottom of your blog was a note in your handwriting labeled “Things To Do Before the Cruise.” There was only one thing on the list:

1. Get dressed.

Should I be concerned?

One Comment leave one →
  1. Colleen permalink
    August 28, 2009 10:53 am

    Hey Claire’s mom! Thanks for hacking in and keeping mumologic safe from vandals.

    I wanted to let Claire know that I am so happy that she is on a cruise and sorry that she is missing all of the great, Whitehorse end-of-summer yard sales (which I’m certain she finds devastating). I hope the cruise is at least as good as a bin full of used-beyond-repair toddler clothes. 🙂

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