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Things I am Bad at

September 23, 2009
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I am not cut out to use the phone.

My biggest problem is psychological in nature. If the person I am talking to is not speaking loudly enough to penetrate the wax fortress in my ears, I will continually increase my volume in the subconscious hopes that they will increase theirs. This does one of two things: a) absolutely nothing, except maybe truncate the conversation. Often not a bad outcome. b)causes the person to decrease their volume in conscious hopes that I will decrease mine. You see where that goes.

My second biggest problem is also psychological in nature but has to do with controlling the volume of the people witnessing my phone conversations. The people witnessing my phone conversations are often less than two years old and are generally good at finding games to play until mom gets off the phone. Such games include “Lets see if we can find really loud objects to throw down the stairs.” Or “Lets see if I can reach a whining pitch not even dogs can hear.” Or my favorite game of all, “Serious injury.”

My solution to this problem is almost as effective as my solution to the first problem, only I end up with a receiver that has been crushed into telephone mulch. My grip – it’s like an industrial vice that’s controlled by the volume of my external environment. Mid-conversation I really feel like it’s working. Pain and sweat often give the illusion of efficacy. But in the end, I always conclude that the conversation was one of the most stressful events of my day AND, I processed nothing. I don’t even know who I was talking to. Grandma? Insurance guy? Did I just buy a Bowflex?

By the by, James is eighteen months old today. I hear they get easier from here on in. What do you mean “bffff”?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Theresa permalink
    September 28, 2009 2:14 pm

    Happy 18 months James!!!

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