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Paternity Proof

December 17, 2009

I would like to tell you how I know my husband is the father of my son. I have clear hard evidence that Jerry Springer would find compelling. In examining the evidence myself, however, I have found evidence that my husband and I would never have met had we been all modern and relied on eharmony for love. In fact, eharmony would probably have sent one of us a re-location package.

Please consider the following:

Article 1a: J.D. is a man of caution. For example, he has never climbed a tree.

He has planted them. He has hugged them. He has cautiously felled them (one, and it was very small) But if you tried to convince J.D. to get into a tree, he would provide you with a well reasoned deduction of how that would lead to his death.

Article 1b: Claire is a woman of imprudence. For example, When she was eight she climbed a tree and then wrapped her dress over her head to simulate the chrysalis stage of metamorphosis. (J.D. was horrified by the first part, intrigued by the second) Then she fell asleep and fell out of the tree.

Article 2a: J.D. is a man of rational innovations. He enjoys intellectual problems and also gutting microwaves.

Article 2b: Claire is a woman of irrational creativity. Her grade 6 teacher gave her a C in math because she took “creative liberties”. This is appalling to J.D., EVEN THOUGH it’s the primary reason they are together today. University math class + Claire’s brain + J. “tutor” D. = FLIRT!

Okay, so back to my paternity proof.

James saw a raven perched on top of Super Store the other day. James thinks all ravens are Poe, his raven puppet. Poe gets around.

“POE!” he screamed. “HIGH!” Then he looked at me like woman, do something! And I was like, “This situation is beyond my control, man.” So he turned back to Poe and in a most grave tone said: “careful.” Poe then dive bombed the sidewalk and James had a heart attack.

The final piece of evidence is this youtube video: James would watch this on repeat, if I let him. Which I do. But not really, Parenting Magazine spies!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. J.D. permalink
    December 18, 2009 9:26 am

    ?!?!?!

    I hope you have OTHER reasons for knowing James is MY son!

  2. December 20, 2009 9:07 am

    JD, i think Claire is just not naive enough to not take into consideration the possibility of having been abducted by aliens and artificially impregnated. but be careful, Claire – the Greys could have abducted JD too, tampered with his seed, and then artificially impregnated you. James could be largely JD, but dormant within him could be lying an “other”…

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