That’s What James Said
“Mum, is maple syrup protein?”
“I think I need a faster pair of scissors”
“If I wear a helmet, will that protect my Achilles tendons?”
“Mum, is the library healthy for me?”
“The sun is making my people shrink!” (pupils)
Minus Thirty Seven
Just a sample temperature from the past week and a half. Also my sanity on a scale of one to ten. (We’ve also been under quarantine due to a pink eye outbreak. If I ever get a chance to make a horror movie, the opening scene will be the application of antibiotic ointment to the pink eye of an hysterical preschooler.)
Today was dangerously warm at -25 C, but things really get going Wednesday when we’ll have a brief, bittersweet visit with temperatures just this side of zero. I’ll be taking the children sledding in their bathing suits.
Anyway, things can get a bit loopy around here when we’re not allowed out of the house.
The result of James and I being cooped up: Unconventional portraits of myself. I posed for this. Who do you think has more talent?
The result of Jasper being cooped up: Anger. At least that’s not my leg.
The result of J.D. being cooped up: Inventing Lego sets that probably would have been discontinued. This is the Logger vs Eco-terrorist set.
That’s What James Said
Pointing at a Raven:
“Mum, can I go chase that pigeon?”
***
After observing a mole on the side of J.D.’s nose:
“Dad, is that a bindi?”
***
Me: Did you put item X away?
James: Yes, I did.
Me: Really? It didn’t sound like you put it away.
James: I did. But don’t check, okay?
****
After cutting onions near James.
“MY EYES ARE SPICY!”
***
James, looking worried:
“Mum, do I have mandibles?”
***
J.D.: Tell Mum about the dangerous thing you found in the bathroom cupboard.
James: (in a grave tone) Mum, I found Laser blades.
***
The Sly
Yesterday James and I did some collaborative art. He drew the shapes with a black sharpie and I colored. James named our creature The Sly. I only saw The Sly’s horizontal self until J.D. came home and told us he liked our squirrel. Very sly indeed.
Just Somebody That I Used to Know
Dear Immune System,
I thought we had something good. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
-Claire
***
Guitar = my body
Those people = Head Cold, Flu, UTI, Conjunctivitus, and Sleep Deprivation. Weee!
That’s What James Said
After I spent most of bath time making Jasper sit on his butt, James took over on the discipline front.
“Jasper, if you do that one more time, we’ll have to take you out and light you on fire.”
***
James has a toy fishing rod with a little hook on the end. The other day he was attaching the hook to a variety of objects and dragging them around the house.
“Hey Mum! I’m a hooker!”
***
J.D.’s grade 8s dissected cow eyeballs today. J.D. tried to explain to James what that meant before he left for work but later this morning, it was obvious he had not done a very good job.
“Is Dad cutting up the kids’ eyeballs right now?”
2011: Act I
For twenty-eight years I have had completely unrealistic expectations of my capabilities as they relate to density of accomplishments per unit time. (J.D. helped me with that sentence. Yeah Claire. We know.) Yet I still thought I could have one of those “A Year in Review” things published well before Ukrainian Christmas of the following year. I’m rallying with the Chinese now. Late January is a much better deadline for compiling memories.*
*On a similar note, J.D. and I actually didn’t give James anything for Christmas because we started this intense project for him pretty much on Christmas Eve. Birthday present! Fifth birthday present!
I have managed to throw together the first of three acts. We spent January and February of 2011 (paternity leave) eating toast with my parents and trying to decide whether a preschooler and a baby would be more fun in a van or in Vegas. The following is a compilation of clips from that time period – a few you’ve seen either here on Mumologic or over at the The Nighthawk Blog. But most are new to you because video editing fell low on our priority list. That toast just wasn’t going to eat itself.
Here is Act I: Pre-Nighthawk. Roll it.
The Beginnings of a Healthy Relationship with the Law
While driving.
James: Mum, I’m kicking snow all over the back of your seat.
Me: I guess I’m going to have to call the police.
James: What will the police do?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe they’ll take you to jail and make you shovel snow.
James: (on edge) No, they won’t.
Me: What are you going to do to make them not take you to jail?
James: I will cut them. With my sword.
Me: What?! That’s not very nice.
James: Okay. I will just poke them in the shoulder.
If I Only Had a Spine…
When Jasper decides to use his spine, he can often tottle around holding just one supporting hand. This afternoon I let go of his left hand and he started a one-handed flail, looking for the support that the rest of his muscular/skeletal systems were clearly not willing to provide. (This is what happens when biologically, you are 50% little boy and 50% wet bag of sand.) To his relief, he managed to find a hand hold which he clung to with violence: his own hair. Anger and confusion followed.
This illustrative photo series was conveniently taken this evening:
Thank goodness he has a brother to protect him from his heedless parents.
Sometimes.
Snap Crackle Pop
Jasper: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
James:(eating rice krispies) JASPER. THAT IS TOO LOUD. I CAN’T HEAR THE CRACKLING.
